Labyrinth of the Mind

Almost a year ago my mother was in the hospital for two and a half months because an aneurysm on her brain decided to rupture. I learned that you could live your whole life with an aneurysm and it never rupture. I thought an aneurysm was what took people out, but it’s the rupture that does you in. I also learned that not many people survive ruptured aneurysms. What I already knew is that my mom was a fighter and not a normal person and I knew she would survive. SHE DID!

Today that woman is doing her thing and living her new best life a survivor and retired from working boring jobs. She is enjoying the best things in life without a schedule to hold her down.

Through the madness I learned that I could no longer raw-dog life. I have battled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Watching my mom lay in a hospital bed fighting for her life, not knowing if she was going to make it, it all became too much. Mind you, I have lost one parent in 2017. I didn’t want to go through it again, but I knew I would survive if I lost my mom. Thank God I didn’t have to survive that yet.

My doctor put me on Lexapro while I was going through everything. It helped the anxiety the best it could. I am now on the highest dose of it and I can tell a difference. I am not angry all the time. Which is something I have never experienced. I don’t panic as much. It’s great!

What is not great is that Lexapro does not seem to help my depression as much. I have all this stuff to be happy about. My mom is good. I have amazing friends. I have been playing some amazing RP games as well as playing other games with my brother and our friends. I have this adorable dog I call my hell hound, she is 80 pounds of pure chaos and I love her. I have a car, a job, my bill are paid, and I still have money for fun stuff. I have books to read and stories to write. What is there not to be happy about.

Yet…

I find myself asking what the point is. What is the purpose of this every day life? What is the purpose of going to work? To pay bills? What is the purpose of getting out of bed? What am I doing here? Why? Just…why?

I was late for work today and I didn’t care. I have always cared about my job. I have always been on time, early even. I don’t like to take days off and I struggle to take vacation days. But here lately I have called out just because I didn’t want to get out of bed. I have been late because I overslept. I am going to bed later every day it seems, because going to bed means fighting another day.

I don’t write in my journal because I am screaming into the void of nothingness.

This is why I created this blog. Maybe no one will see it. Maybe someone will see it and something I say helps them in some way. Maybe the whole world will tune in and some people will make me feel bad for being depressed, like I can control it. Maybe…I will work through this cycle of depression and keep writing so people see that not every day is a depressed day, but when depression hits, the battle is long and exhausting.