Labyrinth of the Mind

My dog took me on a journey the other night. She spotted something in the woods and decided she wanted to chase it. I was on the other end of her leash, not paying attention like I should. Next thing I know I am being yanked forward, I hit the ground full frontal style, and slide before I come to a stop, with the leash still in hand. My dog had been stopped but I lay there thinking that there is a strong possibility that I just broke something.

I am 40…don’t we break easy at this age?

I sat up, my dog still none the wiser that her owner just ate dirt and is now assessing her fragile old body. Nope, this hell hound is still staring into the woods hoping she can still catch whatever it was that she spotted.

I had so much pain in my chest that traveled into my neck, I thought I had done broke my collar bone or a rib. Something felt broken. I walked into the house trying to hold back tears, because I am a big girl and big girls don’t cry…at least not in front of people.

I made my way into the bathroom, quietly shut my door and silently balled my eyes out. I was hurt physically and emotionally. Just exhausted and my dog just gave me a reason to cry it out.

Something was broken, but it was just my spirits.

The thoughts that were running through my head were a little scary to be honest. I thought about how I am probably a bad pet owner and how if I worked out more I wouldn’t be so weak. I thought about how I was dumb for not paying more attention and how I couldn’t even put my phone down to watch my dog.

I also thought how I just don’t want to do this anymore. I thought about how I just wanted it to end, for it all to be over, to be done with this terrible thing they call life.

I can’t say I talked myself down quickly. I let myself stew in the misery for a moment. I ate up that dark moment like my life depended on it, because maybe it did. I know myself, I would never do anything to hurt myself and I don’t want my life to end early. For a majority of my life, I love it. I find something every day that I am living for, for things that bring me joy. But in that moment, I let myself boil in the pits of despair.

I feel like I have not allowed myself to really feel that since things happened with my mom. I have not allowed myself to really sink into those feelings that try to drown me every day. I have had small moments, but I push them away as fast as they come. I don’t have time to think how hard life is. I don’t have the right to want life to end. My mom fought so hard to still be here today, I would be ungrateful if I let myself fall into that pit of desperation where it just seems too hard to go on.

Falling into it, embracing the darkness, sitting with it and really thinking about it can sometimes help. Why was it that my dog slamming me into the ground seemed like the last straw? Why was that moment the cherry on top of the shit show Sunday I feel like I have going on? I still don’t know the answer to that.

Today I am so very sore from my short flight through the air. I know what it is like to have the wind knocked out of you now, but I am okay. I want to be alive today and there are no thoughts of wanting to poof out of existence. Life isn’t terrible, it just has its moments. I have wonderful friends and family. I have a wonderful care team that keeps me running. A great job. And the best hell hound who is 80 pounds of chaos and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. Life is good. It just goes a little gray on me sometimes.

Ever seen the movie Pleasentville? My color is coming back.