Labyrinth of the Mind

I have the angry sads today. Everything makes me angry. I am just angry. I am mad that my car was parked out front today instead of where it usually is. I am mad that the cleaning lady yesterday left my living room in such a mess. I am mad that it is my mom’s fault that the cleaning lady left it that way. I am mad that I had to work this morning without my work bestie. I am even mad that I got better sleep last night because the house was vacuumed and dusted and I could breathe…

The thing I am most angry at is that I have been abandoned by my family in GTA RP. Yes…role play Grand Theft Auto. I made a character and she has family and she has this wonderful life in Los Santos. She has a cop boyfriend and a group she calls her family that everyone in the city, mostly, respects.

They didn’t just stop playing the RP. The server is going to be shutting down so everyone has stopped putting time and effort into their GTA lives. I get it…but why do I feel so abandoned? Why am I so sad that it’s going away. Things like this happen. It’s not the first online community that I have had slip away.

When my mom spent two and a half months in the hospital, I did nothing but stay with her. When she was in ICU I lived there with her. When she was moved to the recovery hospital I went to work, went to the hospital, went home to sleep and do it all over again the next day. There was no time for games, TV, reading, writing, breathing. There was no time for anything because I was holding on to my mom for dear life, afraid that if I thought of anything other than her, I would lose her. Like it was my duty to keep her alive, it was all on me.

When she came home I stayed by her side for a little bit. I slowly started stepping away and joined GTA. My brother had been telling me about it for months and it felt like a good escape from reality. It was. I started off playing a few days a week and now…I play almost every day.

When my life felt like it was falling apart, this RP city was there to pick me up. It wrapped me in a warm blanket, gave me soup, and turned on my favorite cartoons. It patted me on the head and told me everything was going to be okay. It even cut the crust off of my grilled cheese sandwiches. I met new friends, I let myself free without restrictions of anxiety. I flirted with EVERYONE. I was comfortable and safe. It was something I felt like couldn’t be taken away from me.

Now, I feel like the whole time I was holding a clump of wet sand that is now dry and slowly slipping between my fingers. My tree house is falling out of the tree, and reality is calling me.

There are other games. There are other RP servers. There are things like DnD that I could escape to. I have books to read to escape into. So why is this one RP city closing causing me so much turmoil? Am I truly this upset about it or are my hormones just out of whack because my period is about to start.

It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I have felt this before, when a favorite TV show ends. What is wrong with me that I get so attached to these things? Why can I not be normal and just roll with the punches? Does it always have to be this dramatic show case of sadness?