Labyrinth of the Mind

Just when you think you got things down and figured out, someone reminds you that you are still not doing things their way. As I was headed to bed tonight my mom reminds me that I didn’t help her with something she asked me to help her with. I forgot about it. She forgot about it. Then she starts to say something but she stops, so I pushed her to say what she wanted to say. She says she feels like I am avoiding her.

Sunday, I spent all day watching TV with her, hanging out with her. Every night this week, I realize is only 2 nights, I have made sure to come watch TV with her about and hour before bed. I have been leaving my games to go sit with and talk to her while we watch a show together. I didn’t have to do that. I just thought it was nice.

Now she is saying that she feels like I am avoiding her. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of feeling like I have no life outside of my mom because she has no one else other than me. I spend more time with her than my brother does and he doesn’t work through the week. He has all day Monday thru Friday to hang out with her. I am at work until 5 every day. But she says nothing to him. She doesn’t get upset when he doesn’t spend time with her. But she gets upset with me if I don’t dedicate ALL of my time to her.

And I feel bad for being mad about it because I love my mom. I almost lost her. But now I feel like I have to be glued to her hip or something will happen. What if another aneurysm pops up and I am not there with her this time? What if she falls and I am not there to catch her? But why is it all on me? Why does my life stop so that I can take care of my mom all day when she is fully capable of taking care of herself? Why does it feel like I have to give up my happiness and the things I love in life because my mom is sad and alone? Is it my job to be her only friend and source of entertainment?

This has been going on long before last year. This started when my dad died. I feel so bad for my mom because she has lost so many loved ones in her life. People that died before they should have. Her life has been tough and I want it to be easier for her. But it seems in the process of making things easier for her, I lost my life.

I love my mom. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to be so attached to her that when something does happen to her, far in the future, I feel like I lose myself too.